I've decided to start something, called Cut n Paste. Y? Cos as I read other people's blogs, they sometimes reflect what I'm thinking and I would agree or have thoughts of my own. Of course their identities would be hidden or changed, but thanks again to them who put their minds to blogging and complaining about life and what not. For the debut, I stumbled upon this on from a link, and it kinda rang a bell.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

It's dark under the waters.
Met an old friend for dinner today. While I'm in the mood for narrating my silly thoughts, I might well continue and finish it up. Never have I learnt so much about dark aura that was hanging in my previous work place. I used to work obliviously to the "ghosts"around me... Just a word to bear in mind and to forewarn all who are beginning to start their career.
A woman with power is a hideous WOLF in sheep's skin.
This woman is so manipulative, so pretentious, cunning and sly. Except that she doesn't work in pack. I could never imagine why a superior would be so keen to kick everyone out in her department. She had been promoted to Assistant Director recently. Don't want to jump into unsound conclusions from what AMQ told me. But I really want to forewarn everyone: she seems nice, nuturing and caring. But the truth is: she is back-stabbing each of them and creating internal turmoils so that she will be the only queen that stands out from the underwater kingdom.
Can't imagine all these while she was gossiping about one subordinate to one party and vice versa. It was for all combinations for all 6 of us working in that small department. 6P2 - Wow she managed 30 channels of back-stabbing. Your boss could be the very one putting you down and pressing you hard to the ground so that you would eventually be invited to leave on your accord. HOW superficially vicious.
That's what she has been doing: maintaining all powers to herself, stabbing each of them by the distorting truth to CEO, creating "undue" influences and negative internal competition, and putting them all down so that none of them would surface above the water. Competition between colleagues is also one sickening factor. Can you imagine one party going to the CEO to complain about unequal job opp and backstabbing the other party? It's really dark in the depths of the sea. She probably don't see the need for alliances at work. She really wants to stand out.
Woman with Power. How frightening. Glad amq has found a new job. She is now happier, I could see. Thank god I was a small fry and she didn't bother me earlier. Nevertheless, an important lesson learnt. Thank u amq.
posted by ____ at 4:06 AM

This was roughly what I had to do during my time in the army as a clerk, weaving stories and making sure everyone had their own version. It was fun and vicious, your friends aren't close, and you can't maintain it forever. The good thing was I could leave once my NS is over, and it made me all the more to complicate things and back-stab people. Of course, I did it for a reason. They took my life away, made me distant from my friends, stole quality time away from my family. All I had left then was myself and my room, a place which was my only sanctuary. I shan't say further, many should know how it feels.

Scrolling down, I saw another post which stirred me even more.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Last Rose
I'm supposed to be reading my 219 book but I'm awfully bored. Actually, it was troubled rather than bored. I have no solution to this puzzle. I need answers.

Was It Nothing At All by Michael Damian

Driving in the car
With the wind run through your hair
I reach for you now
But you're not there
It was perfect time
A perfect place for us to be
The nights were so warm
You were close to me
Was it nothing at all?
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight
Did I fall in love for nothing?
No more hope of touching you feeling you by my side
Did I fall in love for nothing?
The music can play
As the sun started to fade
Our dream vacation
Was in my mind
Just the other day
I thought I heard you call my name
I wake up, she's gone
There's no one to blame
Was it nothing at all?
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight
Did I fall in love for nothing?
No more hope of touching you feeling you by my side
Did I fall in love for nothing?
I tell you right away
I want you back into my life
But if you don't find the way
I would dream of you tonight
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight
Did I fall in love for nothing?
No more hope of touching you feeling you by my side
Did I fall in love for nothing?
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight
Did I fall in love for nothing?
No more hope of touching you feeling you by my side
Did I fall in love for nothing?
Just the other day
I thought I heard you call my name......
Was it nothing at all......
I wake up she's gone......

+ it was a something that has been troubling me for ages... i could sit all day at the beach just staring emptily into the borderless horizon.. or listen to g's advice. Yet the solution was obscure. I don't know how to handle it. It's about my special friend. I really need help. If things are as easy as it seems, I would have resolve it long ago.

1. Did I fall in love for nothing?
Nothing lasts forever but there are relationships which last forever. I don't know which mine is. My relationship with P was smooth sailing, no major events... It was a happy together, we seldom quarrel and we share the same hobby: talking rubbish. Maybe time has diluted everything. I don't even regard myself as being attached. I don't think about him and I only see him as an ordinary friend, although I wouldn't mind holding hands and occasional kisses. Put simply, it was somehow turning into a friendship. I enjoy seeing him once in two weeks and in fact, he is the only one I could talk to with my innermost voice. But the feeling just isn't there anymore. He is my best friend.

2. Why it couldn't persist?
I no longer have strong values against anything. People change. I'm open-minded and carefree. It's hard to justify why someone could be classified as your boyfriend when he seems equivalent to other friends around. That is, apart from holding hands, going out with him seems to be the same as going out alone with other guy friends alone. In fact, if my friend are open-minded enough, I wouldn't mind holding hands with them. And for goodness sake, holding hands doesn't mean anything. I'm not a traditional freak.

3. Fine without each other?
I think he also feels fine without me. We are kind of independent of each other. I'm next on his list and he is next on my list. Hm.

4. Does gratitude and solitude count?
The reason I hung on to everything despite my occasional thoughts about breaking up was most probably gratitude. How could I do something to hurt someone who has been giving me the most attention in the world? How could I ever forget the times he stood by me when life seems so down and the world just turns away from me? Which is more important: feelings or gratitude? Most importantly, how can I ever repay his kindness? The fortune teller once said that I could be destined to be alone in my old age....... probably. No one can stand my wierd temper and no one would be drawn to me other than him. Have i forgotten how hard we had managed to stay together despite our geographical, educational difference and disagreement by our friends and relatives?

5. Is hanging on a fair decision?
I'm always asking myself this. Should I take the scissors and end it? Am I wasting his youth, his life and his resources on me? Am I being selfish - considering benefits for myself? Would he be happier with someone else? He isn't young anymore. Is it fair to him that I sit at the edge of a yacht and wait for a luxury cruise to jump on? I really don't want to hold on but I couldn't bear to end it. Everytime I tried to put an end, I recall the above concerns. Tell me, how can I be so cold to someone who is always there for me?

There is no clear priority and weightage to each category of question. With opposing views and contrary thoughts, I just couldn't find a deciding factor and make a concrete decision on it. There are days I leaned towards hanging on and days which I just want to cut away the very lifeline. Should I end this relationship that is going nowhere?
posted by ___ at 5:32 AM

Again, it reminded me of a friend of mine who once had this problem. So reading it made all the more sense. I kinda realise the advice I gave wasn't good enough, and these questions would actually better answer them. And as for the rest, a lesson learnt and of course think about it. You'll never know when you'll be in that situation.
For the song, there were some parts that I'd really like to say, but somehow, I haven't the courage I once had.
"Just the other day
I thought I heard you call my name
I wake up, she's gone
There's no one to blame
Was it nothing at all?"

"I tell you right away
I want you back into my life
But if you don't find the way
I would dream of you tonight"
I still dream now and then, when I'm not that tired. Then again, I'm still clinging on to old memories.

THOUGHTS AND MORE THOUGHTS