No time to blog for the next week. So i'll try to leave you with somthing. It's not easy coming with something fancy at 4am in the morning.

What you always wanted to know,
will half be told.
What has been happening,
shall be explained.
No names shall be mention,
to protect their privacy.
It could be you, you'll never know.
Clues will be planted, like shakespeare and his play.

I've always let things go,
but this time I will not.
They have to be documented,
or all will be nought.

My life in the public eye,
carving out a sanctuary for all to see.
But amongst the public confusion,
there is still a cave for me.

Time is a factor,
and so it is a healer.
A tester that tests patience,
calm, control and perseverance.


THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Wrote this in my tutorial yesterday.

25/02/05 1219hrs
In a tutorial now. Kinda bored and killing time. Was late for 10mins, but didn't miss much. Only realise this lesson like last night.
This morning, my mum called my house. My grandma picked up the phone. She was looking for my dad. I asked who it was, cos I heard her say that I was having breakfast. My grandma was about to say her name but didn't. My dad then went to get the phone, my grandma went on to talk about the food on the table. After that, there was an awkward silence at the table. I hurried my breakfast and left the table. I was also in a hurry to pack up my stuff anyway.
There's still stuff to do, lots. And when they say u think 50,000 thoughts a day, I realise putting 1% down is such a chore.

Minutes later...
OK. I'm really trying to utilise time here. Later got indon project, looking forward to get it done n over with. Hopefully can video my segment and also the others as well.
On to the 1st issue. Do I like someone? No. Am I looking for one? If the right one comes along. Define right? Someone I'm comfortable with. ("Your answers are always politically correct loh")Actually, someone that can compliment me. Are u sure there's no one on your mind? Ok ok, if I really have to decide on one, it's the first one. No, not the one in hall, but the one before I got into hall. But to win her heart would require an effort far greater than the strength of Hercules.


Hopes that answers a few things for you for now.
AN ANSWER WILL ONLY RAISE MORE QUESTIONS

Going to study a bit for now. Recently hear a few things that weren't really happening, that's cos my blog has been a bit patchy lately. I've left a few things out, so it's time to fill them in. After that, the whole picture will be complete. Remember 1 post 'Time to start writing essays'? That's what I meant, to fill in what's been realli happening.

Off to study for now. Hope I'll be back.

The Pain Hurts The Most When It's Not Physical

Watching her go pass the gates somehow made me feel a sense of loss. It's rare to find such people anymore and how much emptiness she'll leave behind. Nonetheless, we have to move on, and it's not like we won't ever see her again. It'll all feel sad and empty for now, but things will come and go. Before you know it, she'll be back visiting us.

Waking up to catch soccer, I couldn't sleep b4 tht. Must have too many things on my mind. Then I slowly dozed into a dream. I remember the usual close friends were there. We were doing something like shopping, and I had a moment with her. She said she was still kinda pissed about the joke, but asked if I thinked about it. The next thing I knew, I couldn't hear what she said next. It was like someone pulled out the audio or something. What an impt moment... lost forever. My eyes opened and it was over. Guess I really missed her a lot already. Then again, I had a friend who also went overseas, but we kept in touch through msn, blogs and such and it never felt like he left at all. So I hope it would be the same case.

Time for the second match liao...

IT'S ALWAYS HARD TO SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE DOESN'T MEAN FOREVER.

You'll never know how shocking a news can be when it come through email. Somehow the impact is different although it's meant to be the same. There's this eerie silence when u read it, even the music is drowned out and the world will stop n u think for that split second, and then the fact hits you in the face. You open your mouth to reply to it but realise that it can't talk. U can't ask why or what on the spot, then you start thinking what happened and where we'll go from here. The next thing, everything flashes across your mind and the first tear comes out in the corner of your eye. Your body feels different, you start to soften and somehow your bones lose a bit of their support. Before you know it, you have to start pulling yourself together again.

CLEARING A BACKLOG ISN'T EASY. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

Reading some of my posts back, I realise I left out IHG swimming. Will include that soon. For now, summary for the day first.

It's now 2.30am and I'm still at the computer. I guess work just doesn't ends. I was ready to prepare the past day (astro and night cycling) photos for uploading when I started to gather photos of my friend to prepare for a gift. Looking back all the events and now knowing that she's leaving somehow touched my heart. The more I went on, the emotions stirred. Remember what they always say something like you cherish the things only when they have left? I'm feeling that right now. So sad, yet happy that she's going to a better place to further her studies.

Gotta get back to what I'm doing for now....

It had finally came. Unfortunately, I spent it sleeping, cos I had night cycling that night. Tiring but fun always. Now lets see, lots to say so I'll do quick run through for now. Elaborate tonight, which I should be free. No soccer today, unless there's other plans coming up which I don't know.

1. She knew me too well.
-Wat happened
-lessons learnt
- thank yous

2. how my blog isn't wat i want it to be anymore

3. Resurrection (studies)

4. My bio trip, astro 'lo hei' and then Night cycling marathon.

5. My thots and why I still think of her...

6. plus summary of friends transcript.

7. Plans and more plans lined up...

Wow, this is like beginning to become an agenda list man. Gotta stop for now.

B4 I forget, a note to start reading my fren's blog and start catching up.


THOUGH WE CAN NEVER BE, I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU

All was over in a matter of seconds, like a flash flood that came and left in a blink of an eye. The world continues to spin again....

More to come....

For the first time in my life, I'm in a position where I do not know what to do, I do not know where to turn to, or whom I should seek. I'm cornered, stuck, and waiting for my impending death. How had things come to such a state? I do not know. Too much power can kill, too little of it is useless. The hours tick away, death will come for me soon enough. Time to ZZZzzzzz...

POWER IS NOTHING WITHOUT CONTROL

This is where the whole thing starts. Here goes. It's actually started on the 13th. It was operation 'Gone in 50 Hours'. My comm had to get, wrap and deliver all the flowers by the end 14th Feb. I went to get the flowers from the nursery on both 13th and 14th. All of us were frantically sorting out orders and preparing each and every one of them. Wrapping, the ribbons, keeping the flowers alive. By the end of the first night, the room was filled with green leaves everywhere and it smelled just like a nursery.
The second day, the 13th, second batch of flowers came. Midway, I went for swimming competition. Came back and it was flowers all the way till the next day. Deliveries had to made that night too. But it was I that had to deliver out on Vday itself. It was tiring but fun, with the weather almost making me sick. Had a sense of satisfaction, seeing couples so happy together.
So this is where my plan came in. I was still deciding the night before but finally went ahead with the plan after much thinking. That day I was hesitant at first, but then, after hours of plucking enough courage, I carried it out. Here how things went...

The following transcript is purely fictional(it never took place) and the names have been changed to protect their identities.

How the conversation would have gone...
14th night
Me: Hey, so how's your date?? Went out without even telling me.
My Best Friend(MBF): Like that loh. Hey at least I asked you if you needed dinner k. Then you leh? You and your big plan...
Me: Hehe, my big plan. It wasn't so big after all. Remember the flowers you tried to wrap for me but I didn't want it wrapped? I personally gave it to her and I told her how I feel.
MBF: Then? What's her reaction?
Me: She was telling me this wasn't the time to joke. Told her I was serious. She was stunned for a moment. It was kinda awkward..
MBF: Then what happened?
Me: Well, to put it bluntly, I was rejected. She said she was happy being single right now and it wasn't time for this. I respected her decision, and I also told her I expected this answer as it will be hard maintaining the relationship also.
MBF: So that's it?
Me: We talked for a while more about some stuff. Then I had to leave cos I had to make another delivery.
MBF: You left cos you had SWOC stuff?? Wah lau, eh, SWOC can wait loh. How can you let THIS impt thing go just like that?
Me: I said what I wanted to say already. It was kinda awkward for both of us as well after some time. It was better to leave, so each of us had time to digest what happened.
MBF: Yeah, quite true. So what are you gonna do next.
Me: I dunno, still feeling a bit down.

Yup, that was roughly how it went. After that for the rest of the day, everybody asked me if I'm ok. I am, just tired from all the deliveries that's all.
Although things didn't work out, I just needed to let her know. At least now I know what she thinks.

SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS

Most Vdays for me are quite boring ones, but this one is rather interesting. No time to elaborate for now. My room's a bloody mess and my school work is so messy it's flooding my floor. Gotta get all the 'water' back into container now....

For the moment, something to ponder upon.

Like leaves falling in the autumn,
my heart caught the cold lonely wind.
Like leaves brown, old and dying,
my heart can never be the same again.
Like leaves gathering in the ground,
My heart grows weaker with every frown.


THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

I hope this works out, never done this before. In terms of scale, I think it could small, or large. It all depends on my pocket really. But for love?? Who knows...

0255hrs
Just finish The Amazing Race, a few episodes of it as well before the 2hr finale. The show really displayed what it takes to finish the race. Full of emotion, love, hate, hope, and sacrifice. Even the places were cool to watch and make you want to go there. Maybe that was why I lost and gave up on the Amazing Race, because there was too much love and passion in it and how it always reminds me of what I am.After that, finally cleared my room a bit. Will continue tomorrow, then I can finally find the time to start studying.

1953hrs
Just cross the 24 hour barrier at home. My first 24 hours at home this year, and it feels good. Relaxed most of the day, really could feel the battery in me almost fully charged. Should start hitting the books real soon, and also play hard the next few days. Once the new week starts, time to go full throttle again. I was almost going full non-stop for the past few weeks. You could feel the difference between totally spent and fully recharged now. Time to move on to other productive stuff.

A good old friend of mine just called. I had visitors so I told him I’d call him later. Now just trying to call him back. Lots of stuff to talk about. He’s someone you can really confide in. Maybe this is what Chinese New Year is all about, catching up with people, people who you are close to, but don’t have time for each other anymore, when all of us have gone separate paths. It’s just like reaching the crossroads again, saying hi, and then saying “I’ll see u again after a year.” Somehow, you’ll always feel closer to these people, even though you just see them once a year, while you always sense a distance with those you see everyday. Maybe it’s because they’ve left and now you cherish that meeting more than anything else.

How was my day? As usual I suppose, exactly what I’d do every year. The morning started with the visits to the two temples. Somehow our objectives changes, 1st was candy, 2nd the angbaos, now the gals that come. Maybe I was just desperate. After that, went down to my maternal grandmother’s house for lunch, met the maternal side of the family. Some left early, but left their angbaos for me with my mum. Good to see everybody in good spirits, while I myself might be feeling tired, didn’t feel like talking. Went over to check out my 2nd uncle’s new house. Boy was it gorgeous; it had that woody feeling, with rattan curtains and furniture with wooden finishes. Feel like you just wanna laze around in his house. By the time I came back home, Uncle Renny was there, always here at the usual time. Exchanged a few pleasantries before they left for dinner. As for the night, it’s finally time to relax. Catch up an old friend, watch TV, old shows on my HDD. Squeeze in a few more stuff here n there. Maybe even start reading my textbooks.A note to add the night before. Had the usual reunion dinner, but it’s been getting quiet lately. Later in the night, had the midnight prayer and offerings which I helped out. Took a few photos to remind myself how grand it was and what it is today.

A few minutes to midnight, a few words to say.

Another year gone by, and every year it's different. This year, I'm gonna take a few pictures for memory. To preserve what I know, the traditions, the culture, the people. You'll never know when all of these will go. Gotta stop procrastinating too. Start doing something about things, especially those left on the shelf. Hopefully it begins now.

So many things to say, so little time. It's good to be back home, to be able to sleep in my own cosy bed. Finally, time out for myself. Time for my family, my friends, my studies and last but no least, time to catch up, be in front of things.

I'm sick and tired of hearing that speech. Don't gimme that standard line, or that phrase, or even that paragraph that you always blabber off your mouth.
I know how it all works k. Cos I blabber off that very same thing to other people when they tell me their problems. So when I tell you my problems, tell me something else. Don't try saying those things to comfort me, it doesn't work. I can tell them to myself even.

Myself: Eh now u got time better start clearly all your backlog, k?
Me: Damn sianz, feel like sleeping loh...
Myself: Still sleep!! Don't waste time sleeping lah, you can sleep all you want when you go home tonight.
Me: Ok ok. Can't procrastinate liao. Always delay and delay. Better start something, if not at this rate my cap will drop further.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Me: Doing admin stuff loh, if not it's my homework, or then it's blogging lah. If not SWOC, then will have blk comm stuff. Dun have, then got astro stuff to settle. Barely even have time for homework man.
Myself: Then you better make more time for that. Your homework!! Look at your cap last sem. Better start doing something ok?
Me: I'm trying, but sometimes I just can't say no. Like drug like that. Aiyo, must really start to say no, I gtg for this, I got tht... And also stop procastinating and start doing serious work. Do you know it's almost mid sem??
Myself: U tell me for what? You should be the one that's aware of this. And look at the projects you have. Better remember to do them, don't always last minute. Literally.

(to be cont'd)

Myself: Eh u lagging liaoz, how come so long never blog??
Me: Damn bloody busy loh... doing Hall stuff almost 24/7.
Myself: So jia lat ah. Told not to join so many. See lah.... u asked for it.
Me: I chose to what. I was my decision. I did tell you I'll take up the challenge.
Myself: But see now? Always see ur light on till like 4+ am. Unless u surfing porn lah.
Me: Oh pls.... Last sem was sleep at 4am, now it's 5am. And it's not porn ok?
Myself: Then what are u doing??

(To be cont'd....)